Gertrude, a stalwart from our sister agency in Finland, has been in the business longer than even Marcie. Yet despite Gertie’s, and by the way, she despises the name Gertie, though we refer to her as just that as our private joke. Despite Gertrude’s longevity in the business, she looks amazing for her age; her German and Nordic heritage, and a little help from the medical field, have served her well.

Bambi, Gertrude’s cover name, is famous, or perhaps infamous, for her preferred method of execution. Now known and ‘The Gertrude Grapple’, the procedure is usually preformed in the bedroom. The procedure involves the deft usage of her thighs to remove the wedding tackle of the amorous victim. The mark usually bleeds out fairly quickly, though she usually swings her legs around to complete the job by snapping the job’s neck, capturing him, under the chin with the crook of her knee and scissoring him with the other.

Bambi always gets the job done, hence my visit to her in this Bremen hospital. I heard she was laid up here after her last job, a rich U.S. American touring Europe vie an expensive, customised BMW motorcycle. Apparently the young rich kid rubbed someone the wrong way and was marked for termination. Having hitched a ride with her job, whilst speeding down the Autobahn he decided he wanted the ultimate thrill, to be fully inserted, at 200 km/h. She gave it to him, just before he died. On completing the Gertrude Grapple, Gertie reached over her head to the handlebars to steady the bike. Facing the rear of the craft, however, she failed to notice the motorist, in the left lane of all places, changing a tyre. The resulting impact launched her over the stopped automobile, over the guard rail, and down the cliffside five hundred metres below the roadway.

Word came out on the ether that Gertrude was laid up, needing knee and hip replacements; the wear and tear on those joints must be phenomenal. Visiting her via Skype, she looks pretty torn up from the thicket of thorns she landed in after her Autobahn adventure. Considering the crash, I’m surprised Bambi needs only maintenance work done.

I also find it surprising the general lack of sympathy the hitman community has for this damsel in distress. Though I suppose her preferred style might be a little off-putting, gruesome to some, causing the general lack of empathy. Or it could be simply one less assassin means more jobs for the rest of us. Subscribing to the former, I decide a trip to George Town, Grand Cayman is in order; to liquidate some bullion I have stashed in a safe deposit box there.


About HybridHitman

Contract killer for hire.
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